Above: The two cards that were drawn for me during our “self development” conversation…interesting
Hello SOTGC community,
The inspiration for this post came about when I had the SOTGC Authors over for dinner this weekend. It was late at night when a few of us remained talking about our personal journeys. When they found out I had worked a 15 hour day on my birthday and that I planned on working full days for SOTGC this weekend without taking time to have a day to celebrate I responded with “What’s the big deal? It’s JUST another day.” Apparently this answer bothered them even more than my work plans.
In the beginning of 2012 I started going through a huge transition (due to events that happened) which changed my life, and made me realize how selfish I had been. I explained to the ladies that I now feel that I have to make up for 30 years of selfishness, and that I probably have the energy to do it but that I can’t waste anytime celebrating selfish things like my own birthday when I’ve done nothing BUT that for most of my life.
Why is it that we, ladies, have such a hard time forgiving ourselves? We take on too many projects at work because if we say no, we feel guilty. We take on too many personal endeavors because if we let someone down who we care about, we emotionally chastise ourselves for months about not having been able to help. We fill our day full of tasks and activities that HELP OTHERS instead of adding ONE task a day that simply helps us.
How come we can forgive someone elses’ transgressions (as long as it doesn’t violate our personal code of ethics) and yet we hold onto guilt and let it eat us up inside when it’s our own “perceived transgressions”
Is this why we try so hard to be Superwoman? Is this why we are so unrealistic about how much we can do in one day that we end up running ourselves into the ground every week? How can we fix this? Because if we are truly honest with ourselves we have to realize that we are humans, we have faults, and conversely we have wonderful attributes that make up for these faults and make us into the unique and special creatures that we all are.
While I cannot say that I have the answer to this, nor the solution…what I can say is the first step in forgiveness is probably in realizing WHAT IT IS that you need to forgive yourself for. I honestly didn’t realize that part of why I’m literally running my mind and body into the ground lately is because I feel so horrible about the first 30 years of selfishness. It took two friends who care about me, who are self-aware, and who want the best for me to pull it out of me.
So I will leave you with this. Is there something in your life that “just doesn’t seem right but you can’t put your finger on it?” Have you heard this from your friends and family a lot “Why are you doing this to yourself?” Because that is probably the first sign that you NEED to forgive yourself for something that you might not even realize you’re holding inside. While I know that self forgiveness isn’t going to come to me overnight, at least I have been able to identify what is going on…and to be conscious of WHERE my actions stem from going forward.